Are you lying?

Woah. How did it feel to read that question?

It was a jolt, for sure. We think of ourselves as honest people who tell the truth. And that’s right, I’m sure, for all the big stuff.

But what about during your most regular day? When do you lie- to your coworkers, your friends, yourself? Speifically, when do you lie without thinking about it?

Months ago, I was out for a slow run with a podcast on 1.5x speed when I heard something that made me want to stop and write. Far from my keyboard or any scrap of paper, I squinted my eyes as I did a hard “save as” in my head.

The something came from Martha Beck* and it was about lying. Here’s the gist… Sick and sad, she sensed she was missing something. She came up with a simple but kind of bad ass way to find out. She carried around an egg timer, twisting the dial randomly. With each ding, she’d stop whatever she was doing and ask herself, “Are you lying right now?”

The exercise revealed all the little moments throughout the day that she was (mostly unconsciously) anticipating the “appropriate” cultural answer and responding on queue. She was lying to others, sure, but she was mostly lying to herself.

“Oh, I’m fine, and you?” “It’s great to see you.” “I really appreciate the feedback.” “I’d be delighted to do that.” “Sure, I’m available.” “I’d be happy to help.”

It’s all the stuff we perceive to be necessary to get along most agreeably with those around us. And it’s also all the stuff that adds up. It pulls us further and further from what we truly want—mostly because it’s just so reflexive. We don’t pause and give ourselves a moment to think, acknowledge the truth to ourselves, and then make a conscious choice on how to respond.

So today’s reflection question is this: When are you lying? And, when mostly? Is there a pattern? What are you gaining? What are you losing? If you gave yourself a minute, what might you do or say differently?

The suggestion here isn’t to quit doing whatever we’re doing to keep our worlds spinning. Instead, it’s a opportunity to learn something about ourselves. When we pause, evaluate our options, and then take the next step, we can be more fully conscious of what and why we’re going what we’re doing. And just knowing that empowers us to change.

*Martha Beck is a deep thinker, writer, and general wise woman. She was made famous in the 1990s when Oprah revealed she was her life coach.